London with Jesus...

I've been just lying down for years. I don't believe in my healing..., I don't even want to be healed! I accepted it, so as it is... Where are you taking me? What makes you think he can help? Don't you understand? It's humiliating to be in this vulnerable situation..., this helplessness. Everyone is looking at us!!! He's standing in front of me here. I dare not look him in the eye. I close my eyes... - Your sins have been forgiven!... - I don't believe in forgiveness..., what I once did can't be made untrue. I wish I could! We should no longer carry the role of "guilty victim". - ... Get up, take your bed and go home! His voice was disappointed. Because of me? Or because of the murmurers? "Get up." I dare not... I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid to have to face reality. I will no longer be vulnerable. I'm going to be ordinary like everyone else. I can't believe it!!! Are my feet moving!!! Minutes seem like hours while I...

I closed my eyes... There is silence. A very deep, inner silence... I can hear the rustling of the canvas. Each brushstroke feels like a dance step... Enchant. The outside world is slowly disappearing... Somewhere in the distance, my former self is coming up... The little eccentric who is happy in her little inner, hidden world... The world is changing... I have to wake up! I have to adapt!... Vibrant colours on the canvas... the murmur of the sea... An endless dance of forgotten, "hidden behind glass" dreams... Crystal Sea! Is happiness reflected in it? I don't believe anymore..., but I wish it was true! I'm captivated by the swirl of the dance of thoughts... the silent noise of brushstrokes on the canvas... Late!  I don't know what to do!... I can't, I can't be real myself anymore...